mind to matter

do you ever write something and those words say exactly what your heart feels perfectly at that moment? As if your inner being could be written on paper. But if it could and you were able to capture your mind in time and forever have it on paper. that is why i love to write. that is why i love to journal. i may not speak them perfectly, but a pen (a good pen) and paper somehow fulfills me just perfectly.  today, a verse popped into my head and although I have read it/heard it/said it a million times up to this point, it sparked my hand and i was able to get out exactly what my heart has been feeling. it’s been full of thoughts and  as i tumble through them, they can become so repetitive. what if i write them down, will they all of a sudden take form and make sense? possibly. i read back through the words i wrote this early morning and i thought many people may consider themselves in the same place. with uncertainty. and an unknown future ahead. not that i have some perfect wisdom, but i am in this habit of sharing my thoughts on here and so i’m doing the same now. it’s a bit more intimate, but i just really felt like sharing something different than my typical post. so i’m sharing. writing is a diligence. it takes time. but it’s so worth it. try it. so here, a few thoughts straight from my lined paged journal.

 

 

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“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

“Today, i need to pull this in. Hold these words close to me and remember their truth. I need to trust that even in in the past, when i was certain of the path i was on, certain that i knew what would happen and what was best for me, ended up only being 180* opposite and that more joy, fulfillment, and growth was brought to life because God brought forth his plan and not my own. So now, as I sit assured that i know what is best for me and what seems to be the way of life that makes me happiest, could only be – again – a shortcoming in part of my lack of knowledge as a human. It is scary to know that His plan is better than mine, when i want what’s in my head to work out and remain true. I walk each step being able to see only 1 or 2 steps ahead but but His vision is infinite.

 Plans to propser and not harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. These words. Each individual word holds such a different possibility to me. To prosper. Blessings He will bring. Living life abuntantly. Success to match diligence. Reaping what I’ve sewn. Not to harm me. What feels like pain and hurt could only be that it must take place so that in the future harm does not come. one i may not even know of. Yet my strength does not feel able to shield the temporary pain, any loss or saddness. Hurting now to not have saddnes in the future will not be able to numb my heart now. It still can only see one day at a time. It would only be consumed with an overwhelming thought of loss and the scarring that would result because of it. To give hope. Hope is that glimmer. That faith in the future that blots out any temporary hurt from the unknown. It brings you through each day, pours strength into you and builds you up to be able to work towards that moment in the future when it will all be worth it. Hope is what allows you to remain working towards that goal. To believe there is a purpose – even if it that hope alone that there is a purpose for you. Give you a future. Are we supposed to live in the here and now? Or to live preparing for the future? To live preparing for the next day. There must be a healthy mid-point. I see it as being able to live, work, be, enjoy in the here and now and seeing the beauty in today. But no matter if the now is glorious and full of joy or painful and seemingly no joy in sight – to be able to remain trusting that there is a future already known and planned for me. That alone gives me rest. My future might be a different color than i expected, but i don’t discredit that it was that fact alone that has been such a blessing to me thus far.

I haven’t been able to predict in the least the path and place I’d be in now. His plan has gone 180* opposite of where I thought i’d be and the most important people who would be in my life. I’ve continually been misled by my thoughts of what is secure and what is certain. For now, things that i feel are necessary in my life, things that i need to feel whole could be misguided. He could have something for me that has yet to even hit the horizon. I will remain strong in the fact that this promise of His has been kept and has proven much more worthwhile that anything i could have designed for myself. In as much as I’ve seen that very fact come true, i still want what i want and feel selfish at the thought of letting my plans and thoughts of what i consider my joy now, go.

What i thought was a constant, disappeared right before my eyes. What i thought was love, was the furthest thing from it. What i thought i wanted, did not fill me and only left me longing for something that was never there in the first place. When i thought i was ready, it was not the time at all. All this to say, I cannot trust my shortsighted knowledge in what is best for me, what will be my source of security. There is only one secure love. One secure plan. One secure being that guides me, plans for me, loves me, and I will do my best to remain trusting, hopeful, and certain that He has only the best for me in His plan, and that it will come to be.”

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it may be a dangerous habit to be so comfortable sharing my intimate thoughts and writings on here. but this is me and this has become such a place for my words to have an outlet. if you’re coming back to read my whitty writings and see the images i spend so much time on, you might as well know the thoughts that fill my head and the concerns that a normal 23 old year girl in the city is feeling. no one has died. no one is gone. do not send your condolences. these are just my thoughts, floating through my mind. these are my words. this is my heart. i just thought i’d share.

carry on and enjoy the weekend ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

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~ by Andria on April 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “mind to matter”

  1. Thank you.

  2. […] i didnt want to see, came. reality that i wished wasn’t, is. one week ago i wrote my heart here and shared how i will and will remain trusting in a plan that is bigger than my own. a plan that […]

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